Thomas Jefferson, the first Napoleon Dynamite
LET ME TELL YOU A STORY ABOUT ONE OF OUR FOUNDING FATHERS.
you remember the guy that wrote the first draft of the Declaration of Independence. Well, turns out he was not only super in-lovsies with America, but he also loved defending it against stupid French Counts.
Once upon time, Thomas Jefferson got into this long distance fight with this Count of France called Buffon [full name not required because he’s a mega douche and nobody cares]
Buffon was a real b-hole.
He kept under-emphasizing America’s wildlife and how great we were because he was obviously jealous.
This one time, he said that America wasn’t as great as Europe because America doesn’t have panthers, we only have cougars.
So Jefferson, slick mofo, was like “NUH UH” and when he was in Paris, he bought a panther pelt and gave it Buffon as proof [whatever], and Buffon replied in letter later [and I’m paraphrasing here]
"Lol, this isn’t a real panther pelt, it’s just a softer cougar fur. Nice try, TJ.”
So Jefferson got super nerd rage and went to France for a year trying to meet with this turd-nugget of a count and FINALLY at some stupid banquet he got invited to held by the count, he met him.
The infamous b-hole, Count Go-fuck-yourself Buffon.
Jefferson was poised and ready to pounce at any mc-douchery that Buffon was going to attempt.
AND FINALLY, during a conversation about the inadequacy of American wildlife,
Buffon makes some flippant comment about how American deer aren’t that great and Jefferson lost his mind.
"AMERICAN DEER ARE AWESOME AND HAVE ANTLERS TWO FEET LONG, IDIOT." [true story]
And to prove this, he begged all of his hunter friends back in America to send him a moose, but the moose died and wasn’t found for like 14 days so they sent him this fucked up, decomposed moose that lost all its fur and it’s antlers weren’t even on it so they sent him a whole bunch of other antlers to put on the moose, so it looked like this weird Frankenstein’s monster moose.
And I’m not saying Jefferson was a wizard but shortly after he gave Buffon the moose, Buffon died.
and that is story of the earliest beginnings of our 3rd dear president of the United States of America.